So a year ago around this time, I wrote an essay that I wanted to post here, but I decided against it.
And now, I think I actually will, because I think it's really important to.
Most of the essay is me expressing really depressing thoughts. This is the ending of the essay:
"My main reason for writing this is to say that I'm exhausted.
I'm tired of being told I'm not good enough. I'm fed-up of not being recognized. I'm sad about not being good enough for myself. I'm disappointed that I rank myself according to what others see and think of me. I'm sick of the fact that my professors still don't know my name and it's a month into the semester. I'm sad that I work so hard with things I never seem to achieve and understand. I'm ashamed that I spend so much time striving for some sort of fulfillment that will never seem to happen.
Most of all, I'm finding it really hard to be positive and push on when I haven't felt any sort of achievement for such a long time. I feel discouraged by all these replies from talks and jobs and competitions. It'd probably be easier to stop trying and it would certainly hurt less.
For the time-being though, I will push on. I'll try to be strong, but it's just so soul-crushing when there isn't anything along the way to really give that boost to keep on going."
And now, I think I actually will, because I think it's really important to.
Most of the essay is me expressing really depressing thoughts. This is the ending of the essay:
"My main reason for writing this is to say that I'm exhausted.
I'm tired of being told I'm not good enough. I'm fed-up of not being recognized. I'm sad about not being good enough for myself. I'm disappointed that I rank myself according to what others see and think of me. I'm sick of the fact that my professors still don't know my name and it's a month into the semester. I'm sad that I work so hard with things I never seem to achieve and understand. I'm ashamed that I spend so much time striving for some sort of fulfillment that will never seem to happen.
Most of all, I'm finding it really hard to be positive and push on when I haven't felt any sort of achievement for such a long time. I feel discouraged by all these replies from talks and jobs and competitions. It'd probably be easier to stop trying and it would certainly hurt less.
For the time-being though, I will push on. I'll try to be strong, but it's just so soul-crushing when there isn't anything along the way to really give that boost to keep on going."
After writing this essay, I felt even more determined to make things work. By writing it out, I'd realized I'd written the answers that I needed: I have to do things for myself, and I have to do what makes me happy.
Since then, I've been doing things for myself, and rewards have been coming to me without me even expecting them.
Every now and then I have to remind myself to be patient and refocus my energy. This is another one of those times.
It all seems pretty obvious, but we do need to be reminded every so often.
Do it for yourself,
-Deena
